


Misery and Malibu

by dip_the_pip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drinking, Hidden Relationship, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Smoking, University Student Dan Howell, brief mentions of throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22329664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: Going home to Wokingham already made Dan miserable, but being around his old school friends is somehow worse, especially when Phil experiences firsthand the harsh words that were thrown at Dan all his life.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 98





	Misery and Malibu

Dan doesn’t know how he got away with it, but he convinced Phil to go back to Wokingham with him during his break in school. It was only going to be a week, and the only reason he was going back was so he could move more of his stuff to Manchester and into his dorm (well…Phil’s apartment, but his mum didn’t need to know that).

They were sitting on Dan’s shitty dorm bed, passing a bottle of cheap rum back and forth between them as they take their attempts at an old Sonic game that Dan had found while he was unpacking everything. They’d usually be at Phil’s, but Phil wanted Dan to experience some of the Uni life and sitting in bed drinking cheap alcohol wasn’t exactly what Phil had meant, but he wasn’t going to complain. Dan was more than tipsy, grumbling on about having to go back home during his break, and seeing his old friends that already invited him to a party.

“What if I come?” Phil asked at the time, his heart hurting at seeing his love so torn about returning home. “It could make things a bit easier?”

“You’d wanna come to Wankingham?”

Phil shrugged, “We could say I’m just there to help you move more stuff?”

“You’d be miserable…you’d hate my friends,”

“I won’t be there for your friends. I’d be there for you. Only you,”

Now they’re in Dan’s shitty old car, driving across town to a someone’s party. There’s alcohol in the boot, and Dan’s tapping his fingers nervously on the wheel. Phil reaches over, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together. “It’ll be alright,”

“You don’t know that…you don’t know what kind of people these guys are,”

Phil shrugs, kissing his knuckles. “But I know what kind of guy you are, and I love you,”

Phil can see Dan tense up, and he squeezes his hand a little tighter to try to reassure him. “Please don’t hate who I become around them…”

Phil stares at Dan, letting his eyes trace over the soft features of his face in the moonlight and streetlights. “I could never hate you,” He says quietly, and he can see the bob of Dan’s Adam’s apple as he swallows thickly. “But if you hate them so much…why are we hanging out with them?”

Dan shrugs. “They’re still my friends, I guess. They’re fun, we grew up together,” He shrugs again, and Phil notices him anxiously pick at the wheel.

“But they don’t…know?”

Dan purse his lips together, and Phil can almost tell he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek. “No, they don’t know. And they aren’t ever gonna know until I’m completely out of here forever,” Dan says quietly, “I’m never coming back to Wankingham,” He glances towards Phil, and Phil can see how worried his is just by his forehead creases.

“You’re never gonna have to come back here,” Phil says, trying to bring some positivity back into the car. “Once you’re out of the dorms, you’ll be with me, and then we can go wherever we want,”

The corner of Dan’s lip turn up into a smile, at least a little bit that Phil can see when other cars headlights light up Dan’s face.

“Wherever we want?” He asks, his voice small.

“Wherever we want,” Phil assures.

Dan’s silent for a few moments, and Phil thinks their conversation is over, until Dan chimes up, “I wanna be on a beach somewhere,” He says, smiling a bit. “Or Tokyo. That’d be nice too, I think,”

“I think so too,” Phil says softly, and then the Muse CD jammed in the disc player fills their silence until they get to the party.

It’s not too much longer until they’re pulling into a fairly large home with cars lining the streets. Phil glances over at Dan, raising an eyebrow, “I thought it was just some friends hanging out?”

Dan turns off the car as he shakes his head, “No, I told you it was a party,”

“With your friends,”

“Well, yeah, school friends, I guess. It’s my friend that’s throwing the party, but he invites like…anyone that’s willing to party. And I know most of them, so I just call them friends too, I guess?” Dan shrugs and Phil can see him start to tense up again. “Lets just…lets go. You don’t wanna be here, we should-”

Phil lets go of the hand holding Dan’s warm hand and reaches up to gently grab Dan by the chin and turn his face towards him. “We’re gonna go in there. We’re gonna drink and have fun and in a few days, we’ll be back in Manchester, and this will just be a distant memory,”

Phil sees Dan’s eyes glance towards the house before leaning in and pressing their lips together quickly. “I love you…just, so much,” He whispers,

“I love you too, now, lets go pretend to be straight,”

Phil grins and pulls away, climbing out of the dingy little car and going to the boot. He opens it and grabs one of the backpacks that they filled with cans and carefully slings it over his shoulder, before offering Dan the other bag. “It’ll be okay,” He tries to assure again, before they’re walking up the driveway and to the entrance.

They could hear the music from the inside of Dan’s car, and now being at the front door, it’s already too loud for Phil’s taste. He still smiles at Dan, though, and follows him in when the door swings open and some guy is wrapping an arm around Dan’s shoulders and dragging him in, shouting about his arrival.

Phil follows in, trying to keep up with them as Dan gets lead to the kitchen. There’s a line-up of coolers, and thankfully one was one with Dan’s name scribbled across the front, clearly written when someone had a few drinks already.

Phil’s about to follow Dan to the cooler before there’s a large hand on his chest stopping him. “That’s Howell’s cooler, man, you gotta enjoy your piss warm drinks,”

Before Phil can come up with a reply, Dan chimes in. “He’s with me, Ronnie, fuck off,”

“Aww, Howell got himself a butt-buddy, finally!” Ronnie teases, and Dan’s quick to get up and jab a finger into Ronnie’s side, making him yelp.

“Shut your fucking mouth, man, he’s just a uni friend,” Before Ronnie can get another word in, Dan’s grabbing Phil’s wrist and pulling him down to the cooler.

“This yours?” Phil asks quietly as they’re kneeled in front of the cooler.

Dan nods, glancing behind them to see if anyone was lingering. “Yeah, Josh, the guy whose house this is, when we’d go to Reading his only job was to bring coolers. We brought his bag and tent, but coolers were always our issue and we never had enough of them or enough room. So, we all went and bought coolers and loaded them in Josh’s G-Wagon and that’s it,” He finishes, chuckling softly, “Then he just sorta kept them, since we only ever partied here.”

“Are you gonna bring it back home?” Phil asks, reaching into the bag to fill Dan’s cooler more.

Dan shakes his head, scrunching up his face a little. “No, this is definitely something I wanna leave here,” He mumbles, and Phil can barely hear him, but he understands.

“Joshie?” Dan shouts over his shoulder, and there’s a vague ‘yeah, man?’ somewhere in the distance, “Where’s the fucking ice bags?”

A few moments later there’s a guy with dirty blond hair dropping a large bag of ice into Dan’s lap, and Dan groans and punches the guy hard in the thigh, sending them both in a fit of laughs. “Dude, that could’ve de-dicked me!”

Josh shrugs, sipping from his solo cup. “You still got your ass to offer, ain’t that right mate?” Josh teases, smacking the back of Dan’s head, and Dan’s still forcing out laughter as the guy walks away.

“Wait, so they…they do know?” Phil whispers close to Dan’s ear, and he quickly backs away from Dan when he sees him tense up.

“No,” He mutters bitterly, “They don’t. Just an ongoing joke,”

“Maybe they’re just trying to…show they support, but don’t know how?”

Dan shakes his head, his face still tight. Phil watches, seeing Dan glance over their shoulders again and letting his eyes scan the crowd. “I’m sure at least half the people here have called me a fag, and it wasn’t in a friendly teasing way,”

Phil frowns a bit, “I’m sorry…”

Dan plasters a smile to his lips, and Phil sees straight through it. “Want me to make you a drink?” He asks, and Phil nods, watching as he climbs to his feet and make it across the kitchen to grab two solo cups. He dumps some ice in each before grabbing a can of coke. He pours half of the drink in each cup before filling the other half of their cups with Malibu.

Phil closes the cooler and goes to take the drink from the counter. “Trying to overdo it with the alcohol?”

“Trust me, you’re gonna want it,” Dan mumbles, sipping it, and beside him, Phil is nearly gagging on the alcohol to coke levels.

“Sure thing,” Phil mumbles, dumping a bit out in the sink and opening a new coke and replacing whatever he dumped out before sipping it. “Better,”

“Dan!” Someone shouts from within the crowd of people outside of the kitchen.

Dan glances up at Phil, offering him a small smile. “I’m gonna go say hi, you should go meet some people,” He says, and before Phil knows it, Dan’s gone into the crowd.

Phil keeps his feet planted in the kitchen and finishes off his drink before mixing a new one. He doesn’t know how long he stays in the kitchen, keeping to himself and finishing his drinks, but he can see the collection of coke cans starting to add up. Time seems to be moving slow, and he’s lost track of Dan.

For a little while, he could see Dan’s head poking up over the crowd, but that didn’t last long. He’s glad Dan seems to be having a good time, but Phil’s stomach is filled with something sour that he’s sure isn’t from the alcohol.

Once there’s 5 or 6 empty coke cans, Phil finally pushes himself away from the counter and makes his way into the throngs of people. People push and shove, unaware, and thankfully he finds a mostly empty couch. He sits, trying to ignore the couple making out on the opposite couch.

Some guy sits with Phil a few minutes later, clinking their cups together. “Sup, mate?” He asks, slurring a bit. “Which bird dragged you along?”

Phil is about to lie before he shakes his head, “I actually came with Dan,”

“What’re you doin’ trailin’ homo-howell around?” The guy asks before busting out into belly-laughs.

Phil sips his drink again, not laughing along. “I’m just a uni mate, helping him move some stuff back to Manchester,” He says softly.

“Well, watch out when he gets drunk!” The guy laughs more and stands from the couch, patting Phil on the shoulder a little harder than necessary, “Might try to pop a finger innit, y’know? Dude can’t control himself when he’s drunk,” He guy grins before stumbling off, and Phil almost feels sick. Dan wasn’t some out of control freak when he was drunk, Phil knew that. He usually just got sad, or really clingy. Sometimes angry, but he’d be angry before he’d even start drinking. That was usually only nights when his family would call to catch up and end up criticizing everything he was doing.

Phil offers him a tight smile before pushing himself from the couch and pushing through the people, not finding his boyfriend. He grabs a girl by the elbow, and she’s quick to pull it out Phil’s grasp and turn around.

“Getchur hand’s off me, mate,” She slurs, smacking him in the arm without any real strength behind it.

“Sorry, I’m really sorry,” Phil rushes out, “I’m just looking for Dan,”

Her eyes widen, “Howell’s here?” She asks, grinning. Being smaller, it’s easier for her to turn into the crowd and leave Phil behind, weaving around the people in search for Dan, too, apparently.

Phil gives up and goes back to the kitchen to grab a drink from Dan’s cooler, now that they aren’t room temperature. He cracks it open and takes a sip of the vodka mixed drink, and hums at the fruitiness that covers over the nastiness. He’s feeling a bit lighter now, and the tightness in his stomach has relaxed as the alcohol ran through his system.

Sure, it sucked not getting to hang out with Dan, but he’s sure Dan’s having fun wherever he ended up.

A few guys enter the kitchen and start pouring shots, and without asking, hand one to Phil. He takes the shot with them, and instantly he feels like it needs to come back up. He manages to keep it down, though, as another one is handed his way.

After only two shots, he thanks them before pushing through the party and to the back yard, hoping to get some air. There’s so many people outside, too, and Phil almost feels on the verge of tears, just wanting some quiet, until he spots Dan on the deck, too. He’s surrounded by friends, and Phil can see some smoke floating up into the air from inside their circle of people.

He makes his way over to them, and Dan notices him. He gives him a little eyebrow raise to acknowledge that he sees Phil, and that hurt a little, too. What hurts more, when he’s actually part of the circle and can see everyone, he can see the girl from earlier hanging off the edge of Dan’s seat, her arms wrapped around his arm and leaning into him. She’s giggling, and her eyes match Dan’s, sort of puffy and very clearly bloodshot.

Phil swallows thickly and takes one of the other seats, listening and trying to catch up on whatever they’re talking about. Quickly, he realizes they’re playing truth or dare, and he suddenly feels on the verge of throwing up again.

He doesn’t leave, though, just listening to the questions and demands circling around the group.

Eventually a guy picks Dan, “Howell, truth or dare?”

Dan shrugs, his eyes glassy and his brain clearly empty. “Truth,”

“Nah, you’ve picked truth every other time!” Someone else in the group says, and Dan groans, closing his eyes.

“Fine, whatever, fucking dare then,”

The guy smirks, and Phil suddenly feels uneasy. “Your lil’ Uni friend joined us, so why don’t you give him a kiss, Howell?”

“No, Arlo, I’m not fucking kissing him,” Dan says, glaring at the guy daring him, “Clearly you’re interested though, maybe you should pucker up,”

“That’s nasty, dude. C’mon, what are you, a pussy?”

Dan scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I’m seeing someone, jackass, I’m not kissing that dude for your own creepy entertainment,”

“Oh, really? You’re seeing someone? Why isn’t he here with you then?”

“Because _she_ is busy. Couldn’t just take a week off work to come home with me,”

There’s a few whistles in the crowd. “Get it, Howell!” Someone shouts from the other side of the circle that Phil can’t quite see.

Arlo raises an eyebrow, taking a hit from the joint being passed around. “How long until she breaks up with you for being a cockwarmer?”

A bunch of people erupt into laughter and quiet snickering. The girl attached to Dan’s arm leans up and whispers into his ear, and Phil can see her teeth tug on his ear lobe as she pulls away.

Dan rolls his eyes a bit, and Phil can tell it’s out of annoyance instead of pleasure. He looks down at the girl, “Your offer is very kind, but like I said, I’m seeing someone,” He turns back to Arlo, “pick a different dare,”

“Dare still stands. C’mon, dude, just get it over with so we can finally prove that you are bent,”

Dan snorts softly, “Maybe you’re bent, dude? You’re so insistent that you wanna watch me mack out with some dude, are you a little homo Arlo?” Dan asks in a teasing voice, and now everyone is laughing along with Dan, making jabs at Arlo.

Arlo chuckles along, keeping his eyes trained on Dan. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to kiss the guy either, just pretending to be a fag is bad enough,” and everyone hums along in agreement, a few making a fake-puking sounds and giggling.

Phil stands up, trying to leave the circle quietly until Arlo brings the attention to him, “What about you, newbie? You bent?”

Phil tenses up, letting his eyes glance to Dan, who’s avoiding his gaze altogether. “Why would it matter? I definitely wouldn’t climb into bed with you,”

“Oh my god, Howell brought home his own faggy fairy!” Someone shouts, and Phil pushes through the people to make it back into the house. He quickly notices that Dan isn’t following him, and that stings a bit more. He chucks his empty solo cup towards the sink before going into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door.

He leans again the cream coloured wall and sinks down against it, his knees to his chest. He wraps his arms around his knees and buries his face, trying to keep the tears and throw-up at bay.

Phil had no plan on moving the rest of the night until someone is banging on the door and slurring something about needing to piss.

He unlocks and opens the door and walks out past the guy. He makes his way through the house and out the front door. He makes it to one of the nice shrubs in the yard before unloading his stomach contents into it.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and spits a few times before stumbling to Dan’s car. He knows he locked it, but he also knows what a piece of shit the vehicle is. So, he circles the car to the back seat, and opens the back door, knowing it never locks unless it was locked manually.

He climbs in and shuts the door behind him, groaning quietly as whatever’s left in his stomach sloshes around. He bends his knees and does everything he can to squeeze himself into the back seat and lay down.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, he isn’t sure if he falls asleep or not, but the next time he opens his eyes, the car doors are being unlocked. He doesn’t move, hoping that he might disappear.

He sees a shadow outside move, from the front passenger’s seat window to the back window. The door opens, and Phil shivers at the cold air.

“What’re you doin’?” Dan asks, slurring a bit.

“Just…go back inside, Dan,” He says quietly.

The door closes by Phil’s head, and think’s he might start crying, not thinking he was actually going to leave. Instead, the door by his feet open and then there’s a heavy weight on top of him.

He opens his eyes, seeing Dan above him. “If you sat up, this could be a whole lot more comfortable,” Dan whispers, his breath stinking of weed and alcohol.

Phil shakes his head, letting his eyes close again.

“We shouldn’t have come, I’m really sorry, Phil, I am,”

“I’m…” Phil sighs quietly, relaxing under the weight of Dan. “I’m the one that insisted…”

“Yeah, but if I didn’t bring it up, you wouldn’t have insisted. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, but part of me…I dunno, hoped? I really thought it might’ve been different,”

Phil sniffles, “You didn’t know…I should’ve been more prepared,”

“You shouldn’t have to be prepared to face hatred,” Dan whispers, and Phil brings one arm to wrap around Dan’s waist.

“I understand why you don’t want to come back,”

He feels Dan nod a bit and tuck his head under Phil’s chin. “I’m sorry…”

“If you apologize one more time, I will make you sleep on the curb,”

A huff of air comes from Dan’s nose as he shifts a bit to bury his face more into Phil’s neck. “I’ll give you a proper apology when we get some alone time,”

There’s a few moments of quiet, just the sound of the party still going on across the street in the house. “I don’t…A guy was talking to me earlier tonight…”

“Mm?” Dan hums softly, waiting for him to continue when he goes silent.

“Would you just…sleep with guys at parties?”

Dan’s quiet, and Phil almost thinks that he’s fallen asleep, “No,” He whispers. “Well, it’s complicated…”

“I don’t understand what’s complicated,”

“My friend’s and I, well, just a small group of friends, would get drunk in the forest,” He says with a small shrug of his shoulders, “We were an…experimental group, the bunch of us,”

“Oh,”

“Just some making out, y’know,”

“I mean, no, I don’t know, but go on,”

Dan shrugs again, and Phil thinks he’s trying to make himself smaller. “It was girls and guys; we’d get drunk and pair off and I just…I always ended up pairing a guy. Then it became just _a_ guy.” He mumbles, “Then he joined a team and became popular and told people…that I did things to him. That I’d touch him more than just…making out,”

“I’m sor-”

“He faced bullying too, because, well, he obviously had some control over who he wanted to make out with, but he got to transfer schools. I got a girlfriend, the rest of the group of friends dissipated, but the jokes stuck around. To be fair, everyone assumed I was gay way before that ever happened, that situation just helped cement it in their head. Having a girlfriend helped, and she was pretty and nice, but I never loved her the way she deserved.”

“You did everything you could,”

“Then we broke up,” he mumbles, “And the jokes and comments came back, and I had nothing to protect me anymore,”

“I really shouldn’t have come with you, you could’ve avoided some harassment,”

“It would’ve happened regardless if you were here or not, I just wish you didn’t get put through it, too,”

Phil presses his lips to Dan’s forehead softly. “I’d go through it again if it meant you never had to face that kind of pain,”

Dan lifts his head and looks down at Phil, a streetlight illuminating his features. Phil blinks his eyes open groggily, looking back up into Dan’s warm eyes. He leans down, kissing him softly, bringing one hand up to cup Phil’s cheek. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” he whispers against Phil’s lips, and Phil tries to turn his head away.

“I sicked up in a bush,” He mumbles.

Dan snorts quietly and presses their lips together for a peck before smiling. “Want some gum?”

“If I chew gum and fall asleep, it’ll end up in my hair and I’ll choke and die,”

“What?”

“That’s what my mum always said,”

“She’s a smart lady, but explain to me how you’d choke on the gum _and_ it would end up in your hair?”

Phil shrugs, bringing a hand to the back of Dan’s head and pulling him down to nestle into his neck again. “Don’t question my mum, she’s right about everything,”

Dan hums, pressing a kiss to under Phil’s chin. “I’m sure she is,”

“She was right about you,”

“Hm?”

“Told me that you were a good apple that was just a little bruised,” He mumbles, yawning around his words. “But that you were just a sweet and refreshing,”

Dan smiles into Phil’s neck, unable to help the giddiness he feels when he gets Kath’s approval, even when she isn’t present. “I love your mum,”

“And she loves you. But not in a weird creepy way,”

“You don’t want me to be your step-dad?”

“Don’t project your daddy-kink onto me, please,”

Dan sputters on his words for a few moments, Phil giggling beneath him.

“Can we just sleep, please?”

Dan huffs, “I was gonna try and snag us a spare bedroom in the house so we could sneak away before anyone noticed,”

“I don’t wanna go back in there,”

“I don’t either,”

They’re quiet, just their breathing filling the silence.

“Can’t drive home,” Phil grumbles.

“I’m like, 80% sure I could get us home.”

“You would die before I’d let you get near your car and drive somewhere drunk,”

Dan giggles quietly, “I’d love to see you get aggressive,”

Phil sighs quietly, letting his fingers trail up and down Dan’s back, “So, we’re sleeping in the car?”

“I don’t want people to see us in the morning,” He whispers.

Phil nods a bit, “Could we just order a cab back to your place? Then come by tomorrow and grab your car?”

Dan whines a bit, “I don’t wanna,”

“We are both way too big to sleep back here tonight,”

“Fine,” He grumbles, but doesn’t move.

Phil giggles and squeezes his sides. “C’mon, up and out, Howell,”

“You don’t get to start calling me Howell,” He says as he tries getting up, their long limbs making it hard to sit back up and separate in the time space of the car. “Only shitty people call me Howell,”

“Then I guess I gotta work on giving you my last name,”

Dan’s cheeks pinken as he ducks his head and he looks up the number of a cab company, “I guess you do, Lester,”

“Mmm,” Phil hums, sitting up beside Dan and wrapping his arms around his middle, leaning his weight into him and smiling. “Daniel Lester. The double L’s sound nice. Less clunky thank Daniel Howell. L’s at the end of both names? No thanks,”

Dan sighs contently, leaning into Phil. “Thank you for having opinions on my name,”

“Gotta have opinions if I’m gonna convince you to become a Lester,”

“You don’t have to do any convincing,” He says, pressing a quick kiss to Phil’s lips before clicking the dial button.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @dip-the-pip


End file.
